A close affair

The emotional infidelity virus is insidiously causing rifts in today's relationships. It’s possible to contain its spread.

A 38-years-old woman, married for 15-years, seeks therapy for lack of interest in her marriage. She has known her husband since her collage days, which is seven years before they got hitched. Not too long ago, her husband was her best friend. But now she feels they were just not meant to be together.

A few months ago she met a friend from collage and started spending a lot of time with him. However, she denies any sexual attraction towards him. With her husband she is aloof and even withdrawn.

She feels this new companionship gives her satisfaction her marriage does not. She’d rather be with some one who “emotionally understands me”.

Heard of emotional infidelity? More and more couples are becoming easy prey to this phenomenon. In fact, often the speed of an extra-marital affair being with emotional infidelity, says Mumbai-based psychiatrist, Dr Anjali Chhabria. It occurs when one craves for emotional fulfillment from someone other than one’s spouse. We are not talking about friendship here.

“It is emotional infidelity when the emotional bond with someone outside your married life becomes more ends to give it important and one tends to give it precedence over the marital bond: when it leads to fantasizing the other person over and above your partner; when it leads to neglect in roles and responsibilities; when it becomes an obsession, so much so that there is an irresistible urge to hear, being with or chat with the other person, despite potential repercussion,” explains Dr. Sameer Malhotra, Head, dept of psychiatry , Fortis Hospital, Noida.

Adds Dr. Chhabria, “In emotional infidelity, it is also seen that subconsciously the spouse begins to compare their wife/husband to the persons they are emotionally intimate with, which further aggravates differences. Sharing your feelings with someone, instead of discussing it with your spouse may at times be helpful. However, if one gets over-dependent on that person or becomes more emotionally involved with that person instead of their own spouse, problems start simmering. Sometimes emotional dependence may be sign of underline depression”.

The reason it is happening is because of emotional incompatibility, says Dr. Reeta Sonawat, Head, Human Development, SNDT Women’s University, Mumbai. “Often our hectic lifestyle becomes as much the cause as the effect,” she maintains. “Today, people spend longer hours in their office, get easily board with their partners, are stressed out, lack coping abilities, ignore family time… the list is endless,” says Dr. Sonawat.

And though it happens with both man and women, Dr. Chhabria observes that, “The incidence of emotional infidelity is higher in women as they are usually more emotionally rather than sexually-oriented.”

HOW TO COMBAT EMOTIONAL INFIDELITY: