In-law blues?

The relationship between my husband and her mother-in-law is ruining our marriage, says Jyoti

One must always remember that when you marry, it’s a package deal: Husband + Mother-in-law. Here are two real life stories and some solutions.

When I completed my management degree, life seemed perfect. I was happy. Then, I got engaged to Sunil. Even though the marriage was arranged, I fell in love with him during our courtship. Soon after the wedding, we moved in to our new home in the suburbs, instead of with his parents. It was something we agreed on.

It wasn’t long before Sunil and I began to have huge arguments on a daily basis. This depressed me, and colleagues began to notice a change in me.

After some persuasion, I decided to confide in my friend in my friend. I told her how my mother-in-law was sowing seeds of insecurity in Sunil’s mind. She would say: ‘Jyoti is very pretty; you better keep an eye on her. Jyoti has dressed up today. Wonder who she is going to meet? Jyoti is paying too much attention to her career; she will dominate you if you don’t show her who is boss.’ But what could I do? Every time I tired time to defend myself, Sunil and I would end up arguing.

What made me feel worse was that Sunil would leave early, before I woke up. He would leave for some classes he had taken up near his parents’ place, instead of near our home. He would have breakfast with his mother, and live for work with the lunch she packed. At night, he would have dinner with her again before coming home to me. There were many other things my mother-in-law did to hurt me, like excluding me from important events, or even insulting me point blank.

It irked me even more that Sunil always confided in his mother. I was always the last person to know anything about his life. Worse, it was usually someone else who informed me, not Sunil. When Sunil took a major decision to quit his and go overseas, he didn’t bother to mention it to me until much later. A month before he left, he moved in with his parents, saying he wanted to spend time with his mother. I was shocked. What about me?

Once Sunil left India he didn’t make any arrangements for me to join him. If I asked for his assistance, he would tell me that I should learn to do things myself.

By now, my parents knew that all was not well with me. They could see my health deteriorating over the first two years of this mental torture. But being from an old school, they told me to apologies to my mother-in-law and start on fresh page. It didn’t make sense, but I did say sorry. It didn’t make a bite of difference.

Meanwhile, I tried desperately to keep in touch with Sunil, who never called me and rarely bothered to answer my calls. That was when my friend advised me to walk away. She thought I would lose my self-esteem if I stayed in this marriage. But I couldn’t leave; I just felt too broken.

When I completed the formalities for me to join Sunil on my own, I began to dream that our lives could be better now, far away from his mother. Just before I left, I decided to check Sunil’s e-mail account. I had always known his password, but never wanted to infringe on his privacy.

When I did, I was horrified. There were e-mails between him and his mother stating the ways in which to break my spirit. In one such e-mail, he wrote, “I will do us you say, mother. You are writing about everything.”

I was disgusted by the unhealthy way in which they addressed each other and professed their love. I should have walked away. But I really wanted to give our relationship one last chance. I blanked out those e-mails before moving with Sunil in our new home. It has been four months since. Things are not much better. But it is too late to leave now. I am pregnant.

Dr. Minnu R. Bhosle, PhD, Consulting psychotherapist and counselor, Heart to counseling center, says,
Most people dread the ‘D’ word: Divorce. But should one remain a marriage in which the spirit of either one of the two partners is being sacrificed? When it comes to children, is it better for them to be with two insane parents or with one sane one? Then why do people hung on to doomed marriages? Obviously, the answer lies in some payoffs that either or both partners receive by being in the marriage. Besides financial security and a social standing, women often remaining the marriage because they do not have cordial relations with their own families, and are not empowered enough to make it on their own. Low self-worth makes people believe that they can not do better than what they have. There are no perfect solutions life, only better or worse alternatives. Divorce, sometimes, is the only option.

Jyoti needs a reality check, remove her blinkers and break free from the illusion of her marriage. There is no doubt that she is heading for clinical depression.

Purvika on the lessons learnt as a result of her relationship with her mother in law

My ma-in-law is a smart, educated woman. She keeps herself occupied, and doesn’t really want me around all the time. I don’t tread on her territory; and she doesn’t tread on mine! But we are there for each other when the need arises. We even go for lunches, walks and social occasions together.

But things were very different when I had just married her son. She wanted to assert her values on to me. She would question where I went, what time I would return. Since I wanted to adjust into my new home, I would acquiesce. It was difficult, as I came from a liberal family.

It took a few years but, eventually, I settled down. I made it a point to assert myself gradually. She didn’t like it at first, and showed her irritation in some way. Either she ignored me or was mean to me.

I decided to stop hurting. I got busy with my work, kids and life. I would pat myself on the back for a job well done; for balancing the family, prioritisting my life, and for never disrespecting my in-laws. I believe it has found appreciation now.

Today, we share a good equation. I have the freedom to work, to wear what I want, to live the way I want.

Another thing that helps is that kitchen. But there are things she won’t let go of, like control over home finances.

Although I am quite vocal, unlike her, she always hears me out. Of course, she does pretty much what she wants, in the end. But I still let her know how I feel. She knows all I want is love and respect, noting else.

Nowadays, I like to gift my ma-in-law things. She feels happy about it. Once in way, she reciprocates by expressing love for my children. I appreciate this, knowing that she is too fond of children.

Once, she did something that really touched me. Everyone, except my husband I, were invited to an event. My ma-in-law did not go for it as well. It was her way of showing that she was on my side.

Dr. Minnu Bhonsle says:
It is commendable that you (Purvika) have learnt to pull your own strings and be assertive effectively. But make sure that you are not stepping on others’ toes, and are not overtly aggressive under the guise of assertiveness. Remember, opinion of others about you, the way feel towards you or behave with you, do not define who you are, or your worth, as a person. It is wiser to not seek validation from others, as it is not always forthcoming. Instead, validate yourself, as l believe you have already started doing. You have emerged a survivor, not a victim. Hats off to you!

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