Lay off, Ma!

Here we explore the problems that arise when mothers-in-law try to rule over their sons-in-law

Not so long ago, a damaad (son-in-law) was treated as a king especially in traditional Indian families. The concept, how ever, seems to be outdated today where has girls’ family doesn’t take an ‘irresponsible’ attitude on part of their son-in-law towards their daughter. They’ve now begun to question and advise, and insist on deciding what their daughter ‘deserves’, seldom realizing that this interference often creates conflicts in their daughter’s marriage.

A Suraj and Saritar’s marriage was on the verge of a break-up until a psycho-analyst friend intervened. Suraj was growing increasingly frustrated with his mother-in-law’s constant involvement in their marital life. “We stay in Pune my in-laws in Mumbai. Yet, Sarita’s mum wouldn’t let us be to ourselves. She’d want us to come to Mumbai every weekend. I didn’t mind earlier, thinking we’d get to spend more time with family. But I soon realised that the more we want to Mumbai, the more my in-laws and I fell apart.

“My mother-in-law had this very strange attitude. She’d ask if I had got the geyser fitted in the bathroom or when I was going to buy a new car or whether there was microwave at home. When my answers didn’t please her, she’d give me a disgusted look, one that implied I wasn’t looking after her daughter enough. This created a lot of differences between us,” says Suraj.

Yasin, a software developer, faced a similar situation. “My wife Neha and I were very happy by ourselves before we shifted closer to my in-laws. Now we even spend our Sundays with her parents! It’s seriously irritating.”

Says psychiatrist Dr. Nirmala Rao, “Yes, we come across such cases very often these days. With the growing trend towards unclear families, parents dote on their kids. They are protective and possessive, so much so that even after their daughter’s marriage, they continue to influence her life, much to their son-in-law’s dismay. What parents, especially the mother, does not realise is that her daughter now has to set up her own family.”

Agrees Dr.Shraddha Gandhi, a psychiatrist, “Nobody likes interference. Adults should be treated as adults. A daughter should be given complete freedom to live her marital life the way she wants to. Parents must respect and accepted her decision.”

But why is there constant interference in the first place? Says Mani Chhabria, a family and marriage counselor, “Girls today are highly educated and career-oriented and parents have played a major role here. So, their expectations from their son-in-law go higher. This result in interference and nagging on part of the girl’s parents.”

Dr. Rao has another interesting point. “After her daughter gets married, the mother begins to feel lonely. She needs her daughter to fill in that vacuum. Also, most families in cities are financially well-off. So, they are always there to take care of their daughter, in case her marriage falls apart. So, it really isn’t such a big deal for some parents.”

This trend seems definitely on the rise! The time when sons-in-law were put on a pedestal seems to be long gone!