Mind that Marriage

According to research, people in conflict-ridden marriage are thirty five percent more likely to develop physical illnesses. Here’s more on what makes and breaks these bonds.

Today, marriage as an intuition seems to be under attack. For many people, marriage is no longer a social contract for life. A lot of people see marriage as a means of personal fulfillment, and are no longer willing to put up with something that does not meet their expectations. Then there are the pressures on the institution in the form of affairs, dual career marriages, changing social roles and online relationships, to name a few. It is no wonder that an increasing number of marriages are crumbling under these pressures.

In recent years, a lot of scientific research has gone into marriages. For one, this shows that a good marriage promotes the health of both partners and the children. Not only does it augur well for psychological health, it even influences physical well-being. Example- men in a happy marriage are likely to live four years longer. People in conflict-ridden marriages are thirty five percent more likely to develop physical illnesses. Adults, whose parents separated or died when they were young, live an average two years less than their counterparts in intact families.

Much research has gone into the causes for marriages breaking up. The pioneering research of Dr. John Gottman, author of Why Marriages Succeed or fail, has been able to predict the future of a relationship with a high degree of certainty following a five-minute interview in his lab. He writes,” in 91 percent of the cases where I have expected that a couple’s marriage would eventually fail or succeed, time has proven me right.” He has found that the advice (i.e. communication and given by many marriage and family therapists is flawed, as it is based on experience akin to religious conviction rather than hard scientific evidence.

Dr. Gottman has found that the most important predictor of marital happiness is the ratio of positive to negative interactions. In good and happy marriages (even if a couple is volatile and fight a lot), the relationship is based on friendship and mutual admiration. On the other hand in bad marriages there is much less affirmative communication. The “Four Horseman” that predict divorce are criticism, defensiveness, contempt, stonewalling (listener withdrawal).

According to research, most traditional marriage therapy techniques did not work and in many cases were even harmful. For instance, studies on behavioural marriage therapy based on improving couple communication and negotiation skills, conducted by a very experienced about 35 percent improved and a year after therapy only 18 percent of the couples retained this improvement. Research has shown that methods like Emotionally focused Marriage Therapy (EFT), a newer method, is much more effective and enjoys unprecedented success rate. Developed by Canadian psychologists Drs. Les Greenberg and Sue Johnson, a staggering 70 to 75 percent of couples report being happy with each other again after they have been through EFT.

EFT also refutes the accepted wisdom of conventional marriage therapy. It is based on the simple principle that people do not grow up and that even adults needs to be cared for by a romantic partner to make a relationship thrive. If these needs are not met by a spouse, the person behaves in a defiant, hostile, clingy or withdrawn fashion, often provoking the other partner.

This therapy consists of helping the partner become aware of the underlying feelings and helping them meet each other’s deep emotional needs.

How you can improve your relationship: