Till kids do us part
Are children the beginning of cracks in marriage?
They loved each other, they had now settled in matrimony, and so far Deepti, 26, and Vikas, 28, the next step was a baby, who’d enrich their lives and bind them forever. Instead, the baby brought with it the first teething problems of their relationship. Deepti and Vikas were so engrossed with the baby that they soon lost touch with each other. Sounds familiar?
Right from child-bearing to nappy-changing, to baby-sitting, to schooling, research shows that children are the biggest source of marital conflict. The fact that affairs and divorces are more likely after the first child, than before, proves it. Says clinical psychologist Varkha Chulani, “That children make a relationship stronger is an out dated concept. If any thing, in an average marriage, they only complicate things and add pressure.” In fact very few marriages can escape unscathed from a child birth. Says Deepti, “Men don’t realise that caring for an infant is a taxing job. So if the baby cried after Vikas came from work, he’d still expect me to take care of it, since I was home all day. Whereas I expected him to look after it so that I could be by myself. It was too frustrating.”
Why are children so rough on marriages? It is because children force their parents to make decision that are needed to accommodate them? If parents are not skilled in marketing mutually agreeable decisions that take each other’s feeling in to account, the lifestyle created by these new decision can become intolerable.
Explains clinical psychologist Saloni Sawnani, “In many cases, one spouse tends to feel neglected and so becomes unresponsive and as a result the other spouse escapes by engrossing himself/ herself completely into the child.” Commonly, women find it difficult to make their husbands take care of their children, while men feel that they are around only for the money. Each feels that the other is selfish and issues simmer till breaking point. Well there are still ways to resolve this conflict; all you need is a little maturity and understanding. Here’s what you can do:
| 1) Plan parenthood: A baby can try the patience of a saint. So planning a baby as a means to salvage a bad marriage is just adding to your problems. Says Chulani, “Most Indian couples enter parenthood totally unprepared. Couples should sort out their priorities before they plan a baby.” Children can easily smell parental differences and soon learn to use these to their advantage. |
| 2) Adjusting to a newer relationship: Sawnani comments, “Practical day-to-day problems, with both parents working and heightened stress levels, soon take over. However, a healthy marriage can weather these problems.” Therefore, reconciliation, adjustment and compromise is key. |
| 3) Plan some privacy for yourself: Chulani reminds, “No child is happy in a bad marriage. So work on your marriage first. The arrival of a baby doesn’t mean you forsake all your privacy and togetherness. It’s important to make time for yourselves just as a couple” |
4) Preserve your individually: A baby need not mean you forgot to as an individual, states Chulani. “You have to maintain your individuality even as a parent. It is misconception that marriage merges two people into one. In fact a good marriage enhances individuality, and a happy couple is one that retain their personal indentities." |
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