When understanding FAILS

I always thought I knew him so well. Was wrong? Or was it that things weren’t just right? A story of love gone sour.

It was just one those evenings when all the understanding, love and trust between us simply refused to work. It wasn’t the first time it happened. But whenever it happened, my ego forced me to believe that this was the end. We had no kids. So talking wasn’t easy either.

We married with mutual consent. We were friends for a year, dated for two and were married for six months now. But it seemed like we knew each other forever. Yet, sometimes, it felt as though we didn’t know each other as much. Each tome it happened, I would wonder how I didn’t know this side of him which is so gloomy that it almost dissolved our relationship. I always thought I knew him so well. Was I wrong? Or was it that things weren’t right? Everybody said our chemistry was sparkling. But, at times, it looked like the two of us together were a wrong composition, the result of which would explode anytime. And I knew deep within that, someday, it would devastate me forever.

My mother always said that the end of something denoted the beginning of a lot. I didn’t know if it held true here or not. But as much as I was scared of the end, I was equally apprehensive of a new beginning. To me, an end to this meant an end to me. So there was no question of any new beginning whatsoever.

I was a strong, career-oriented woman, I worked as a manger at an MNC and my job involved a high level of decision making for the business, employees and all the projects I handled. I was highly focused at work, and it was demonstrated in the way I walked, talk and carried myself. I was friendly with my subordinates, but if things went wrong, everyone knew one look from me could tear them apart. I wasn’t a terror in office, but certainly a no-nonsense person. Work was my priority; I would put in any amount of time and resource required to get it done. At home, I was the opposite- a simple, down-to-earth, loving, caring, homemaker. I loved cooking food for him no matter how late I reached home or how tired I was.

He was an engineer with a software company, struggling hard to make it big. He was very loving and highly caring, but never understood why he was rude, harsh and unapologetic sometimes. I asked several times, but I got no answers. I didn’t know what could turn him off or why he would be upset for no reason whatsoever. I never understood if it was work or home he was upset about. He entered a zone into which I had no access, neither did anyone else. All he ever mentioned was that it was this dark side of him that he loves to be with and would not liked to be disturbed when he was there.

I knew him very well before marriage, so I knew no incident had happened which could have left a huge scar on him. I was all the clueless. He didn’t smoke but occasionally drank. It never impacted me or our relation. Although he didn’t say so I didn’t know if he was envious of my strength or resentful of my paycheque that was twice his. But something didn’t quite work right here. I never understood what it was.

Today was different from all those dark days of his. I was feeling breathless. He had yelled at me for no reason. I could not take it any more. I had my own ego. He had never used his hand on me but yelling and not responding to me was enough to hurt my emotions and sentiments. We weren’t each other’s first love. So, mentally, I often compared him to my ex for good, bad or worse. I used to think he did the same. We never went voiced our thoughts about this, but I guess the comparison was natural.

I was highly possessive, insecure, and didn’t want to lose him. No matter how strong I was no the outside, I knew I was terribly weak from within. I feared losing love.

But this negative side of him had to end somewhere. I don’t know how, but it had to end. Somehow.

I gathered courage, walked up to him. “Abhinav, I guess we need to talk,” I said. “Later,” he said without even looking at those drops of tears already formed welling up in my eyes.

For me, it was now or never. How easy it would have been if we weren’t married, I thought. I sat next to him on the sofa. “Abhinav, I fail to understand you at a times and this behaviour of yours kills me. I think it would be better if…”

He hugged me so hard that it actually hurt. He curled into my lap like a small baby and said, “I can’t live without you, Divya. Don’t leave me.”

That was it. I knew I couldn’t do anything because I was weaker. No apologies came from him. I forgave him for all the wrong he did me. I didn’t know if it was the marriage that let me pardon him each time or the fear of divorce. Either way, I didn’t know if the relationship was driven by love and understanding or by the fear of luck of it.

This is where the strong, level-headed ambitious woman of the 21st century is: failed.